The Color of the Force
by Sapadu
Summary: When a father and a son have spent years apart from each other, they need to catch up. Similar to 'The Color of Water', psychoanalyses Triclops and Ken on their search for each other, and themselves.
1. Dead

The Color of the Force

This is for those of you who are sick of my romance fics and who enjoy a little psychoanalysis. Also dedicated to James McBride and his white mother.

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. I'm merely filling the gaps left by the story writers and have no proof these fill ins are true.

_I'm just going to say this once: I REALLY don't want to talk about this. But, you're not going to leave me alone until I talk about my past, are you, Ken? NO, I'm not trying to be RUDE... this is just a personal subject for me... not to mention touchy._

_That was a boy. That wasn't me! That part of me is dead, now. I killed him just as I killed those memories of the asylums, just as I killed my heart... don't look at me like that: You'll understand when I tell you why..._

_Start from the beginning... In the beginning, there was NOTHING. I mean it: nothing. I only knew my name because the Imperial Officers and Slave Drivers at the asylum would always scream it at me. Your mother was the only person I ever met who was tolerant or kind or patient or any of those good traits, and I didn't know her in the beginning. So there was nothing for me._

_I don't know who my mother was. My guess is she died while giving birth to me. My father... well, you KNOW what happened there: He banished me, believing that I would overthrow him one day... My father was an idiot... he missed the fact that I was, and still am- don't get the wrong idea, here- a pacifist. But that IS what the beginning of my life was like._

_Everything and anything that could be considered a crime here happened in those asylums. I didn't know it at the time: I was naive and thought it was just the way they were supposed to treat me. For a long time, even after I met your mother, I believed that when the Officers beat us or yelled at us, it was just the same thing as when parents scolded their children: just because they cared and were worried about us. Even if it hurt so much I could barely stand...._

_There was one overseer who didn't glare at me like the others, or the officers. I liked that, back then- I hated being glared at- but instead, he... he LEERED at me. Over time, I began to hate that look even more than the glares. If he whipped me, it was always on my lower back than my upper back, shoulders, neck and head. He always stared at me directly in the eyes. So directly I could see a faint reflection of myself in them._

_It took forever for your mother and I to have you, did you know that, Ken? I was terrified by the concept of what reproduction meant had to... um... happen, first. It was because of that foreman. While I had been still young, one day, I hadn't done as good a job at mining the spice- Yes, I was already on Kessel- and the Officers were angry at me, so they ordered for him to punish me. But instead of whipping me or beating me with some alternative to the whip- if you were beat with that, you would have your arms snapped in half and cracked ribs, so it was a bit of a mercy that he didn't do that- but instead, he pinned me to the floor, stripped me of my clothes, and no matter how hard I struggled and screamed and hit and kicked and bit him, I couldn't get away._..

_Now do you see why I don't want to talk about this? Enough about me... Ken, why don't YOU tell me about YOUR past? It's only fair, given you're pushing me to do the same thing, even though I don't want to..._

_After all, I'm dead. Dead people aren't supposed to talk._

In case anyone didn't understand, this is Triclops speaking. The next chapter is Ken. Help! I need ideas for 'I'd rather'... ==


	2. Droids

The Color of the Force

Again, these characters don't belong to me... as much as I wish they did, because then I could actually make Luke Skywalker and Ken a couple... sadly, I have no copyright control over Ken or Triclops. Do not file any lawsuits or I will sick my pet Trioculus on you. growls

I guess that is fair enough, if I'm not giving you any choice, I should at least tell you SOME thing about MY past... keep in mind though, I'm not used to talking about things that bother me with someone because I've never HAD anyone to talk to...

Right... my past... well, that COUNTS, doesn't it? ... Okay, I'm just stalling... But that's because there really isn't much to tell. I don't even remember how I got to the Lost City of the Jedi, except what DeeJay told me... and even then... DeeJay didn't tell me everything...

I do remember when I first met Chip... I don't think I had even learned to walk yet, but seeing Chip stand over me, I didn't like it... So, when DeeJay wasn't looking, I'd grab onto things and pull myself up and just stand until I either fell or DeeJay looked and tried to teach me how to walk... either way, I always ended up on my rear.

Chip, on the other hand, had been programmed to act like a boy, so back then, he was just like me: No clue what he was doing, where he was, all he knew was there was another boy around to play with... funny, huh? A droid designed to play... so, instead of trying to make me stand up and walk, Chip would just play with me... and one morning, when he pulled me up and started to spin me around, once I got dizzy and fell down, I got back up and did the same thing to him... so, really, most of the most important things I learned in life, I just learned by playing...

Heh... DeeJay wasn't too happy about that when Chip and I went hiding from him that one day... he finally found us in the restricted section of the Jedi Library and I got in trouble for it... didn't really understand why, though, considering I couldn't read at that time. How was I supposed to know that we weren't allowed in there?

But it was still lonely. It's just not the same: hearing a robot's automated voice simulating laughter and a true laugh... That's why I hardly ever do it... at school, every time I try to really laugh, the other students make fun of me because it sounds more like a robot laughing than an actual living being... in fact, I have problems with living beings in general... Droids don't have true emotions, after all, and either way, their faces are metal... fixed... emotionless. When I first met Luke, I was so surprised to see the way his face moved... it was almost... foreign, to me... I can't read facial expressions on people... or at least not easily.

But... at least there was SOMEone... or more like someTHING since Chip isn't really a person... who I could have fun with... Once Chip helped me learn how to walk, I was running faster than DeeJay... came in QUITE handy whenever I made a mess... and the fact that it was so easy to hide was a big help too... I didn't like it when DeeJay lectured me... even though he didn't really mean it and wasn't ever truly angry with me... sometimes the things he was programmed to say... they really hurt... like that one time...

But I don't want to talk about that now... the point is, I've only lived around beings which aren't alive, which can't feel, which can't think, which can't give opinions or morals or ideas... they were all fact... except Chip, but even then... he couldn't think or feel, but he wasn't all fact either... he was just about having a good time... but the whole time, it was just a program installed on his hard drive... and then he was reprogrammed...

HEY! WAIT! YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO GET ME OFF TOPIC! You're still not finished telling me about YOUR story! So, spill... what else is there to the story of this 'dead boy' as you so gracefully called yourself?

So... d'ya like it? ****Pause Is there even anyone reading this? At... all?

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellooooooooooooooooooo?


	3. Missing

The Color of the Force

The only things related to these stories that I own are the books and Ken's soul. . He sold it to me for Luke, because I am the devil! Mwahahahahaha!

_The reason I call the boy that I once was dead is because, quite literally, he had nothing to live for. I guess it starts with family. In my case, I didn't have any. Anyone who could be family for me was missing. Obviously, the Emperor- no, I don't even care he was my biological father, I REFUSE to acknowledge him that way- banished me once I was born. I only knew that because the overseers were spiteful and thought it would be fun to jerk me around with that. Think of it as though he'd just left me on the doorstep of a church, like in all those gruesome children's stories, except it was a prison, not a church._

_My mother... I remember her in some of the dreams I have... Don't look at me like that, of course I remember my dreams. I'll get to that later, but, anyhow, even in those dreams, I can't ever see her face. She's always crying. That much I can see. And I hear her laughing, too. As though, she was determined to be happy, even though she was about to die. I knew she was dead. I'd felt it. I'd seen it. In those dreams, the last thing I see is my mother's faceless head, before there is blood everywhere..._

_But that's probably more than you need to know. I don't want you to have nightmares anymore than you're already going to have. Gods know I'M going to have some of my worst dreams tonight._

_Your mother once sang me a song to help me sleep without any nightmares. It was sad, very very sad, but it was beautiful, all the same. It was about a person who had lost someone they loved very very much, but they continued to mourn. Eventually, the song reached a point where the singer speaks of being alone, all along. That's why it struck such sadness in me: because it reminded me of myself at that point. I've always been alone._

_Sometimes, when I was young, when I was naïve, I sometimes wondered if there was someone who missed me- someone who wished I was back home- someone who cared enough they'd want to see me again._

_Of course not. Nobody ever cared. There was no such thing as love. It was just something people made up and used as an excuse to hurt others... It used to make me cry to think that all anyone ever cared about was themselves..._

_But then... I stopped caring about even me. If I didn't care, then it didn't hurt, and no hurt was good. So, now do you see why I say I killed my heart? Because it was the only way I could think of that helped me stay alive. I know now that I could have just ignored my emotions or closed myself off... but I didn't know that then._

_But... that was life. My family was missing, affection was missing, positive emotions in general were missing... My life was a blank spot: Everything that was supposed to be there was missing... Ken, why are you crying?_

I'd ask people to guess the song... but nobody's reviewing... so I'm not even going to try. But... here it is...


	4. None

The Color of the Force

For... somebody... anybody who's reading this and likes it. Just tell me who you are so I can honor you specifically. And this piece is completely from a discussion about Ken I had with LizMystic.

Don't mind me. I just remember that song too. It's the only thing I remember clearly about mother: her lullaby. I hear it on the radio sometimes, and it really is sad. But, while we're talking about family, I might as well tell you about MY perspective growing up about family.

Remember how I told you that sometimes the things DeeJay said to me really hurt, even though he didn't really feel angry or upset or anything and he was just programmed to say those things? It was more because I was being too big of a baby to deal with it. It started when I learned how to read.

Reading came completely by accident to me: Chip and I had been looking through files in the Jedi library, having fun by mixing them up so DeeJay couldn't find them in the same order as before... I know, that was childish, but it didn't do any damage, really... Then, we found a file that was all pictures, except for the letter that the word began with. I was curious and asked Chip what the file meant and he explained; even if he was programmed to be like me, he still held knowledge about how to read and add and write.

Once I'd learned how to read, I couldn't stop. I wanted more. I read little words at first. The first story I've ever heard was a creation myth... you know, one of those 'In the beginning, there was chaos' sort of thing. The first story I ever read was something like 'The Cat in the Hat' or some other really simple book, but it was funny.

Those stories weren't enough, though. I had to read! It was incredible, the things I started to read, when I was just five: Cinderella, Puss in Boots, The Ugly Duckling, I even tackled a few chapters of The Wizard of Oz, but DeeJay had to explain a few things to me. I'd take files from the Jedi Library and sneak them back to my dome house and hide them under the pillow, reading under the covers when I was supposed to be asleep.

With Chip and DeeJay's help, I read the whole story of Oliver Twist. That's when I started to think: In all the stories I had read, the characters always had families. The child would always have a mother and a father and a sister or brother or maybe a few of both or either. The old woman always had children and grandchildren and often a husband, or the old man had a wife and similarly children and grandchildren. The young married couple always had a father to give away the bride and the mothers would be in the crowds, sobbing that their little babies were all grown up and getting married.

Surely, I had to have a family, too. Maybe... maybe I was like little Oliver: just waiting for someone to come and take me away so I could meet my family. Or maybe I was like the Ugly Duckling, different from everyone around me and one day, my mother and father would come find me.

I took the file with Oliver Twist on it and took it home with me. The next day, I wandered over to the tubular transport for the first time. I took that file with me and I sat there, just sat and sat and sat, waiting, because I was sure my family would come... any day soon... any hour... any minute... any second... and no matter what time it was when they came, I wanted to be the first to meet them! I wanted to give them a big hug before they could get any farther into the City! I wanted them to pick me up and spin me around in circles in the air and hug me and kiss me and whisper into my ear they'd missed me and I was going to go home...

DeeJay eventually noticed that I was missing, so he went looking for me. He found me on my second day of sitting and waiting. I was tired and hungry and thirsty and dirty, but I didn't care because my family was coming. I mean, they had to be! They wouldn't just LEAVE me here and forget about me.

"Ken, what are you doing here?" DeeJay had asked me. I looked between him, the file of Oliver Twist, and the tubular transport a few times before answering.

"I'm waiting." I said. DeeJay's face was always smiling, but his eyes would grow dimmer or brighter depending on how he was programmed to feel about something. This time, they lit up with curiosity.

"What are you waiting for?" DeeJay asked, very patiently. I blinked at him a few times. Wasn't it obvious?

"My family." I answered. DeeJay's face never changed. He continued to stare at me with those ruby eyes glowing and his white face smiling. His voice box produced something like a sigh.

"Ken, you don't have a family." He told me. That was it. Those were the few words that taught me what true agony was. It was like... like... I don't know! Like something cracked. Everything I believed, suddenly just came crashing down, burying me beneath the debris. It HURT. That's what it was like, it just HURT even more than the deepest cut could have ever hurt me, because at least a deep cut would kill me and end the pain but this.....

All I could do was stand there and stare up at DeeJay, not wanting to believe, trying to stop myself from crying in front of DeeJay- he'd always told me that only babies cry, that it was immature to cry for any reason less than a physical wound- oh, but God this wasn't less than a physical wound anymore than someone who you love dying is less than a physical wound, it was so much more, more painful, more betraying, more cruel than if DeeJay had ever struck me. And he never did, so suddenly... it just killed me. I couldn't even argue. I tried, but I couldn't. Or at least, I couldn't win. DeeJay wouldn't let me win that argument.

"But... but... everyone has PARENTS, right? They're a family. I have to have parents, a momma and a papa, right? In all those stories, everyone had mommas and papas." I protested. DeeJay's smile never faltered, because is was sculpted into his face. It was almost as though he'd been maliciously happy to tell me this, although I know he wasn't.

"Ken, they're gone. Your parents are gone. They're dead." But... No, I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to believe anything that DeeJay told me... I understand now why he even said you were dead: because you killed the part of yourself that had been my father, that had been with my mother on the day of my birth... You know, kind of how, from a certain point of view, Anakin Skywalker was dead and only Darth Vader remained... that kind of way.

Chip was reprogrammed on that day. DeeJay said that I was old enough to start being schooled and I needed to have a more grown up companion, so I couldn't even talk about it to Chip, like I had when I was trying to figure out where my family could be, when I had been reading those stories and hadn't been able to understand a certain word... Chip became the snobby, snappish droid he is today on that very day.

I went to bed, crying, and that's how I spent my first hour of being six years old.

Six years old, and feeling like I was just six months because of what DeeJay taught me about crying.

sniffs So sad. Such a sad chapter. I cried while I was writing it... course, my tooth did hurt, so that might have something to do with it. Please, leave feedback... if you're out there.


	5. Kendalina

The Color of the Force

Triclops meets Kendalina! At last! And yes, I completely took this from Hokuto meeting Kakyou in X. And I don't care, bwa-ha-ha-ha!

_It's not childish to cry. Don't you think that for one minute, Ken. I mean, if we weren't meant to cry, why would we be able to?_

_Okay, yes, tears do serve a function when you've got something in your eye... I was just remembering what your mother told me. When we first met, I had the same idea, but she told me it wasn't true._

_How did I meet your mother? Well, it was quite interesting..._

_Do you remember how I told you that I DO remember my dreams? When I met your mother, she said I was a dream gazer. They can see into other people's dreams, dream the future, or control what happens in their dreams. It's simple really: I'm just conscious when I dream, as opposed to others who aren't conscious when they dream... it's sort of like being awake in your sleep._

_Anyway, all of my dreams, the ones where I'm an inventor, I simply PRETENDED I didn't remember so the Empire couldn't take the ideas and manufacture them... well, I didn't KNOW I talked in my sleep... THAT would explain how they made them anyway..._

_Anyhow, through my ability, when I was about your age, I reached out with my powers and went searching through the sleeping minds of people all across the galaxy. Most people wouldn't respond, so I couldn't see into their dreams too well... but your mother... your mother was completely different from EVERYONE..._

_When I touched her mind... she KNEW I was there! She could recognize a dream gazer when she felt it... but, instead of letting me into her mind, SHE came into MY dream. I guess she wanted to see me for who I really was instead of something representing me in her dreamscape... it was a bit of a shock, but still..._

_What happened? Well..._

_: "Hey, what am I doing here? This isn't what I was dreaming... But then, I guess that means I'm in YOUR dream, ne?" A bright, gray eyed young woman asked, turning to face the young man behind her. He nodded._

_"Well, life IS full of surprises. So, what am I doing here? You're a dream gazer, aren't ya? Surprised I know? My older brother's gonna be the head of my Papa's clan in a few years. I'm the heir to Momma's clan, but I can use more spells to the onmyojitsu of both. Guess my brother's just got no talent... So, with the power I've got, I know about stuff like this pretty much on instinct. Hey, are you okay? You haven't said anything! Oh, maybe you can't talk! ARE you a mute? Healing is my specialty; I could fix it for you..." She said, pacing around the young man as he stared at her._

_"I can talk." He said, "You just talk too much."_

_"Oh... well, I guess I do... so, why are you here? And why am I here for that matter?" She continued to talk. The boy looked up at her, remorsefully._

_"I... I wanted to see someone." And as the girl's eyebrows raised, he continued, "I'm... I'm just lonely... I wanted to see someone..." The girl smiled and bent down to see eye to eye with him._

_"When you say you wanted to see someone, does that mean just ANYONE would have done? I hope not! I'd like to think you picked a cute girl like me on purpose!" She said and then continued, "Well, if we're gonna be friends, why don't you tell me your name? Mine's Kendalina, by the way." The boy blinked at her._

_"Triclops." He said. Kendalina smiled._

_"Triclops, eh? That's cool! It's original! Wait... that seems to imply somethin' about you... do you REALLY have three eyes?" When Triclops looked at his knees and Kendalina peered to see the eye in the back of his head, she smiled, "So you do! That's really neat! I wish my brother had an eye in the back of his head. Then, maybe he wouldn't be so boring." Triclops looked up at her, surprised and confused._

_"You... you don't care?" He asked, "About my third eye?"_

_Kendalina frowned then said, "I don't MIND. I'll never not care." She replied, smiling at the last part._

_"And... what's a brother? And a friend?" Triclops asked, amazed this girl held so much knowledge. Kendalina stuck her lower lip out, thinking._

_"A brother is a big, ugly, stupid, jerk that you have to live with and put up with his dumb jokes and ugly friends, and sometimes you have to kick his butt at hologames so he remembers who's REALLY in charge and you have to listen to him playing really bad music that makes the neighbors complain and your Momma and Papa mad, and you have to sort through his dirty socks to find the doll he 'borrowed' from you and never gave back and... yeah... my brother's a dummy, but I love him, just the same..._

_"And a friend is someone who cares about you and you can talk to and have fun with, and play with and who you care about and who will help you if you need it. Don't YOU have any friends?" Kendalina said, and when Triclops shook his head, she gasped, "But EVERYONE'S gotta have friends..." She protested._

_"I don't. Where I am, nobody cares except about themselves." Triclops replied, unable to meet her eyes. Kendalina smiled and made him look at her._

_"But, where we are now, we're the only ones here. So, you DO have a friend. I'M your friend!" She said, her hair falling over her shoulders and her forehead pressing against his. Triclops' eyes grew wide._

_"Now, since you mentioned where you are, where are you? I don't know of any place where the people are so nasty they don't want to be friends with anyone else." Kendalina asked, tilting her head from one side to the other. Triclops shrugged._

_"A prison. That's all I really know. I've never been outside." He replied as a grin slowly grew on Kendalina's face._

_"You've never been outside? Well, then, since this is a dream, why don't you tell me someplace you want to go and see, and we'll go there!" She said, standing up as her hair bounced. Triclops looked up at her, hopefully._

_"Really? You mean we can go somewhere? Anywhere! Wherever you can take us, let's go there!" Triclops said, getting excited. Kendalina shook her finger in a scolding matter._

_"Now, now! Let's not take THAT attitude! Be specific! This IS our fist date, after all!" She chided, though she didn't sound like she really meant to be harsh._

_Triclops thought, but he couldn't think of any place specifically, so he said, "Can we just see what it's like outside? Now?" Kendalina thought for a moment then grinned._

_"Well, okay..." And the dream switched over to show a dark, grassy field, the wind blowing through the air and ruffling the grass and their hair, dew upon the ground slightly soaking the hem of the white nightgown Kendalina wore and the gray prisoner uniform Triclops was clad in. Above them was a sky speckled with stars, constellations, galaxies far, far, far away from theirs, other distant planets, dark, wispy clouds, and nebulae even farther than those distant galaxies, and, finally, a large, luminous moon, not quite full, but most certainly not half, either._

_Triclops breathed out, softly and slowly, as though he was afraid to shatter the dream. Never had he seen so much light among all the darkness, or felt or heard so much movement and life around him as the rest of the world slept. The moon illuminating her features, Kendalina turned to look at him._

_"Kirei desu, ne?" She asked, and upon Triclops' confused expression, she explained, "That means, 'It's pretty, huh?'" Triclops blinked again, then nodded._

_"It's so... endless..." He murmured. Kendalina grabbed his hand and pulled Triclops to his feet._

_"C'mon! This isn't ALL there is to outside!" She said, pulling Triclops after her as she ran down the field, occasionally tripping over a rock or her own feet, but getting up as soon as she had tripped, dragging Triclops all the way.:_

_So... I guess you can see what your mother was like... She was always like that: As long as I knew her, she would always be herself and it never failed to make me feel better. She taught me how to count, how to do math, how to read, how to tie my shoes... she was MY DeeJay, if that makes sense to you, but she was also a mother, a friend... everything._

_And whenever I felt bad, she would be there for me to talk to. If an overseer beat me especially hard compared to other days, I'd talk to her in a dream and tell her about it, and... I don't know how, but she managed to send me a healing spell through the dream to my actual body and... well, needless to say, it would make me feel better._

_The day that one officer raped me, you should have... well, maybe you shouldn't have seen her- that could have been potentially bad for you health... but she was FURIOUS! And when your mother was furious, heads rolled. I'm not kidding, the next morning, something overtook one of the stormtroopers fired his blaster at the man and... well... let's just say the incident from the day before NEVER happened again..._

_One night, she even told me about the onmyojistu abilities she had. It's actually related to the fact she was a Jedi; You and Commander Skywalker should also be able to do the things she could do. According to her, being an onmyoji was the same thing as being a Jedi, except 'onmyoji' was just a different name for the Jedi in a different culture._

_Some of the things she could do were quite amazing. She could talk with spirits, not to mention see them, she had abilities to shield herself from attacks as well as from other Jedi and Sith probing into her mind, she could manipulate water, wind, flame, soil, plants, spirits, light, and shadows... though only slightly, but with the little control she had, she could attack others with them, and then there was this one ability she had from being heir to her mother's clan, but she never told me what it was. Something about it being a family secret..._

_She couldn't cook worth squat, though. I don't know WHERE you get it from, because you've seen how horrible I am in the kitchen. Your mother... at least she could operate a nanowave oven and heat up something like a pre-made dinner or leftovers. And, okay, her cookies and sandwiches were good, but either than that, if you saw her cooking something, you RAN, you HID, and you didn't come out until the fumes had cleared. She made curry once (this was in a dream, of course, but her skills reflected from reality into her dreamscape) and she mistook my gagging noises to mean it was so good, I was speechless._

_...Stop laughing! It wasn't funny!_

_Kendalina loved to sing, too. She taught me a few songs, and believe me, they've STUCK with me... I... no, I'm not singing! You just want to laugh at me because I'm tone deaf!_

_What kinds of songs... I don't know how to describe them... she was very fond of songs for their melody rather than their lyrics. There was ONE song about a boy lusting after his girlfriend's mother, but she liked it because it was 'Good to dance to.' Sometimes, your mother drove me up a wall with music like that._

_Well, that's another reason why I don't sing: I'd ruin it because I don't remember all the lyrics and the melody would be wasted..._

_What else? Oh... there's just so much... she was smart, she was fun, she was clever, she was determined, she was... well, what do you think of yourself, Ken? You're so much like her... You know, most children roll their eyes and say 'yeah, yeah' whenever someone tells them they're so much like one of their parents... Well, you haven't been told that very much, have you?_

_But, now, you... at least I had Kendalina whenever I pulled her into my dreamscape... you'd never seen humans except in holographs until you were twelve..._

_Don't tell me you've been alone your entire life..._

So... yeah, this had to have a LITTLE fluff in it... Hee... I'm a sucker for romance.

And if Kendalina seems like a kind of Mary Sue, don't yell at me for that! I mean... Triclops is telling Ken about his MOTHER! Of course he's going to try and put her in the best light he can! And if you didn't get the part where it switches from 1st person Triclops to 3rd person on Kendalina and Triclops... the idea is Triclops creates a dreamscape and pulls Ken in and shows him when he met Kendalina.

Urg... sorry if this turns out as just a chunk of text with no paragraph breaks. Lately, has been doing that with my fics: text files, no paragraph breaks. Html files, no special text formats... just a hellish nightmare for me!


	6. Zeebo

The Color of the Force  
  
I'm baaaaaaaaaaaack. Sorry, but I had a serious case of writers block and when I finally did get inspired, I couldn't get a moment to myself to write this. So... YAY! FOUND 'PUTER TIME!  
  
Well... I haven't ALWAYS been alone.  
  
It's kind of complicated... I guess I only consider myself alone if I had trouble sleeping.  
  
For as long as I remember, probably just as long as I've had this crystal, I've had trouble sleeping if I don't have something living, breathing, with a beating heart next to me. Before I got Zeebo, I'd either have really bad nightmares or I wouldn't sleep at all. I told Commander Skywalker about that: It was probably the most personal thing I ever told him... course it was more so he wouldn't freak out when I'd poke him in the middle of the night and say I couldn't sleep, asking if I could sleep with him... WHAT? WHAT'RE YOU STARING AT?  
  
Anyway, speaking of Zeebo... I woke up the day after my incident with DeeJay at the tubular transport and there was something licking at my face and 'kssh'-ing in my ear. So, I opened my eyes and there's this little, fuzzy face with a stupid little grin pressing it's nose up against my nose.  
  
Okay, so I did kind of panic and fall off the bed, but after my head cleared, and I could actually process the idea that it was a mooka sitting on my chest.  
  
Well, from that moment on, Zeebo was practically an extension of my body. If DeeJay hadn't forbidden me from bringing Zeebo to classes, mostly because I couldn't concentrate on lessons with a mooka in my lap, trying to lick my ears, I would've brought him every day.  
  
Zeebo slept on my pillow at night and I didn't mind, because I'd always press my ear up against his chest and hear his little heart thumping... did you know that mooka's hearts beat almost as fast as mouse hearts? You can hear the individual beats, unlike mice, but still... a mooka's heart beats three or four times per second. I don't know why but the sound would always make it easier for me to sleep. The sound was just so... relaxing... I could fall asleep and not have nightmares.  
  
And then, some nights, Zeebo would still be awake and prowling around the stuff in my dome house, sniffing at this sock, chewing on that shoelace, and I'd be so tired, I would just fall asleep without even changing into my pajamas. Those would be nights that I had nightmares and I'd wake up to Zeebo whining and nudging me with his nose and shaking his tail feathers and I'd hug him, which always made the nightmares go away, because he'd be so warm and soft and cuddly and.  
  
In the mornings, Zeebo would pounce on my head, 'ksssh'-ing into my ear (which drove me up a freakin' wall, once I got older), licking my nose (which annoyed me, no matter WHAT age I was), and if I wouldn't get up after the first eighteen seconds of this treatment, he'd bite my ear, which HURT, so I'd hit him with my pillow, or push him off the bed, or some other thing to express my displeasure at being woken up early, but Zeebo, being as stupid and determined as mookas and puppies are, would keep jumping back up on top of me and by the time I would be awake enough to REALLY be crabby at Zeebo, I was already awake enough to realize that he was only trying to wake me up because he missed me while I was asleep.  
  
It's kinda hard to stay mad at someone who misses you while you're sleeping.  
  
Zeebo wasn't really like a mooka, in the way he behaved... he was sometimes like a puppy. Other times, he'd be a kitten. Yet another time, Zeebo seemed to think he was a human.  
  
Some days, he wanted to play with a ball, other days, he wanted to play with a piece of string. One day, he would be chasing his tail from the moment he woke up to the second he fell asleep, and the next day, he'd be napping all day. In the morning, I'd be able to sneak him my vitamin syrup that I didn't want to eat, and at dinner, Zeebo would look at me like I was crazy and then he walked away.  
  
Sometimes, Zeebo would do things that REALLY irritated me. There was this one incident when I was working on a calligraphy assignment and Zeebo wanted to play, so he clawed at my leg and trust me, his claws HURT, so I messed up my assignment. I had an urge to make 'Mooka Stew' after that (particularly because DeeJay was REALLY mad at me for that assignment), and at the most, I sent him flying after kicking him off my leg, which hurt just as much as when Zeebo had originally scratched me.  
  
But, really, that was the worst that happened. Either than that one time, Zeebo never really did anything that made me lose my temper like that. But... he was always there for me... I didn't feel so horrible that I was the only human (or living, sentient being in the Lost City of the Jedi, for that matter) at home, because there was this little fuzz wad waiting for me to come back to my dome house so we could play.  
  
Zeebo made it easier for me to deal with DeeJay's lectures and scolding, too. One day, I hadn't gotten enough sleep, so I did pretty terrible in class and, well, DeeJay was pretty annoyed and went off on some rant about how I need to pay more attention when he was talking to me and show respect for my elders. Sooooo.... by the time the day was over and I went home, I was feeling pretty bad and Zeebo somehow or another realized this and nuzzled my face and purred in my lap and listened as I bitched at him about how bad my day had been... yes, I just swore, get over it!  
  
Okay, sometimes I felt kind of stupid talking to a mooka, but... even though he didn't speak human language, I felt as though Zeebo understood me even more than Chip did. And for anyone or anything to understand me better than Chip was an accomplishment in itself.  
I guess that's why I was always so upset with DeeJay whenever he told me that the Jedi were discouraged from being attached to people and things: It seemed like such a STUPID principle. What was the point of being a Jedi if you didn't care about the people and places and things you were protecting.  
  
I'm glad I ignored him about stuff like that. Zeebo made it worth every minute.  
  
Did you know that mookas use twenty percent of their brain, whereas humans and most bipedal alien species only use ten percent of their brain? So, technically, mookas are smarter than their owners. Did you also know that mookas are the only mammal where the female has brighter colors than the male, or that the male mooka makes a whistling noise similar to a bird call during mating season, or that a full grown mooka can jump up to sixteen feet vertically and twenty feet horizontally, or that a baby can produce a screeching noise twenty decibels louder than an ion cannon if it's in danger? Or, how about this: one breed of mooka that's wild is a carnivore, and it's actually more likely to attack a human and cause serious damage than most wild carnivores, including Ratillian Tigers and Corellian Sand Panthers.  
  
... I know that's completely irrelevant.... I just thought you'd be interested.  
  
This IS on topic, I swear: the average mooka only lives to be four or five years old. So, Zeebo was really above average. I mean, he wasn't NEWBORN when he woke up a six year old me... I'd say he was at least six months, if not nine... and then he lived with me until I was fourteen... that's at least eight years... so... he was old.  
  
But, by the same token, that made it harder for me to deal with it when he died... I was so used to having Zeebo around... and now he's gone.  
  
I don't mean to whine... I just miss him.  
  
So... I guess I'm just saying... well... thanks... for being here and... for listening to me.  
  
THERE! ANOTHER CHAPTER DONE! Phew! Took me a while, but I did it! So, waddya  
think? Feedback, peoples! Authors starve without feedback. 


	7. True

The Color of the Force

By: Sapadu

Hiya! Sorry I haven't updated in a while!

_Sometimes humans really don't know as much as they think they do. Sometimes, animals really are better companions than people._ _I'm not saying people are horrible, it's just... well... only a select few I have found to be good companions._

_Yes... your mother was one of them... you read me like a book, don't you?_

_But when I met her in person... it was a very, very... strange circumstance. She'd been assigned as a nurse already, so she'd long been at that post. I had gotten injured from an accident in one of the mining tunnels and Kendalina had to take care of me. I woke up and a pair of bright, gray eyes were staring right at me... I had pretty much the same reaction as you had when you woke up to find Zeebo on your chest... _

_She gave the Imperials hell. Really, she did._

_They never knew such trouble as what she gave them. There was this one incident when she managed to find some music and downloaded it onto the main computer system and programmed the intercom to play the music over and over and over again until the Imperials went insane. _

_And one time, this one Grand Moff made a pass at her, and she decided to... 'give the cook a break' for the day and made the high ranking officers her infamous curry. Then, there was also the "Spiders-in-the-ice-incident"._

_She just didn't take garbage from ANYBODY! Trioculous was quite taken with her... in a much more dirty sense than I was... and when he came in for his yearly physical, she put everything into ice, including her hands, so he had to deal with a cold stethoscope, cold hands... it was a nightmare for him._

_Before Kendalina came, we as prisoners had horrible conditions. All of us had to sleep in one, cramped room. Only if one of us got sick were we moved. The walls had holes through which all sorts of nasty little critters from outside would crawl in through and when it wasn't animals, it was cold wind. The ventilation system was so poor that half the time we were breathing in dust and dirt and there were young boys, sometimes as young as eight, and those boys would get terribly, terribly sick after breathing in the air. Our water had sludge in it and the cups had been used once for separating mud and mold from the good, clean rock that held spice. Our food was more often than not the slop from the bottom of the pots that was burned and soggy and somebody had decided to mix in curdled milk and bake it and there would be maggots and insect's eggs in it. You were lucky if you could swallow it and throw up later. Most of us couldn't even get it past our teeth. We didn't have showers, so the water we used to clean our hands when we mined spice- the Imperials wanted their spice clean- was the water that the cook would use to mix our food in, or from the hospital wing where the medics dumped all the peroxides or extra blood from surgery or anything like that... or sometimes it would come from the medic center, we'd wash our hands, and then the cook would put it in our food._

_What? Oh... I didn't mean to make you sick..._

_Anyway..._

_Your mother came and she wouldn't put up with it. When she found out where the water from her surgeries and so forth was going, she got back at the Imperials by cutting open her fingers with a knife, deliberately, over their food and leaving a note that said it had a prisoner's blood in it, or washing the floors and chairs and tabletops with water from the toilet bowls. And when Trioculous got angry at her for it, she outright slapped him across the face._

_By all rights, she should have gotten killed for that... but... well... I kind of stole the key to the shed where the stormtroopers kept their blasters and I buried it in one of the older tunnels that were closed off because they would collapse if anyone tried to get another spice out of the rocks._

_Then, through some miracle or another, she managed to convince the Imperials that the slaves should have their own showers. Later on, she regretted it... Trioculous managed to corner her while she was washing... but that's another story..._

_She woke all of us up in the middle of the night and dragged us all outside, turned on the hoses and cleaned all the prisoners with a quick spray._

_The next morning, there was an announcement that there were plans for a prisoner's shower and in two weeks, there would be a mandatory policy in which the prisoners must shower once a month._

_Needless to say, everyone was pretty shocked._

_So... It was incredible what she did for everyone. And I'm pretty sure the Imperials thought she was just gaining support so she could manipulate the prisoners. The strange thing was... she would be rather irritated whenever someone even tried to hold a door for her if she had her arms full... How did she put it?_

_Oh, yes! And I quote, 'I can take care of myself, dammit.' THAT was it..._

_As years passed, she started to act... different around me. At first, I was a little worried, but when the day came that she explained that when people fall in love, they sometimes can be shy, it made me feel better._

_Your mother was the one to admit it first._

_Of course, I really had no idea WHAT my feelings were, except I would gladly dismember anyone who dared to harm a single hair on her head and she meant everything to me... That was all I knew._

_Then, one day, I saw her, and... she was BEAUTIFUL... I just see Kendalina... I smelt her... I heard her... I felt her... My body shook. I wanted to jump at her and pull her close... so close we became one person, because I would DIE if she disappeared or we separated._

_That's one of the things that hits a sore spot for me: when people undermine things like my feelings for Kendalina, or hers for me, as 'just a little crush'. It makes me feel sick. And it makes me feel insulted._

_A crush is something small. You can get over it. You could find out that the person you care for doesn't love you and forget about your feelings for them in a week with an other crush._

_Love... love is an all encompassing, wild, blazing, throbbing ache in your chest. You can't get through the day without seeing that person. You depend on the sight of their face to live. Being in love is almost like a drug, except it doesn't make your lungs decay or your brain wither up and dry or any of the gruesome physical affects of drugs: when you're in love, you forget all your problems, the person you love is your world, your life, your god... everything. And if anything were to happen to that person, or if they didn't love you, even if they don't tell you directly because you find out just by seeing them kiss someone else... if ANYTHING in the world affects them... you die..._

_So... when Kendalina was killed..._

_Ken... you're being awfully quiet..._

_What's wrong?_

The plot thickens.

Leave feedback please! I'll be back in about a month or so... need a break for school and my job.


	8. Love and Fin

The Color of the Force

By Sapadu

I'm sorry for kinda scaring you there... Nobody's ever really explained to me what love is... I mean... I've never been hugged or kissed or anything, unless you count Zeebo slobbering all over my face as a mooka kiss...

... So THAT'S what it was...

Well, you see... This is really embarrassing, but... when you said that if you loved someone, anything that hurts them hurts you... that's, uh... that'skindahowIfeltaboutDeeJay...

I mean... It's not like the way you felt about mother, I'm sure... but still...

You knew about how the Prophets of the Dark Side finally found the Lost City of the Jedi, right? Well, when the stormtroopers shut it down, I was almost dying inside. I hated myself and I hurt, just the same way as when Dee Jay had told me I didn't have a family, except... it was one thing to be told someone was dead, and another to see them dying. I'm assuming you saw mother being killed, in one of your dreams, if not in person... so... it was kind of like that... sure, the Lost City and the droids and Dee Jay were never alive to begin with, but... because the Lost City had been my home and Dee Jay had been the closest thing I'd ever had to a parent... and yet another part of the hurt I felt was because I'D been the one responsible... I'D been the one who told the Imperials where to find the Lost City and that's the only way they found it...

And while I'm in that vein, I remember how Dee Jay looked at me and for some reason, I felt like he actually felt disappointed with me... not a PROGRAM to make him seem disappointed but actual, true emotion... all I could do was look at my shoes and say they would have killed Luke if I hadn't lead them there...

You know, now that I brought THAT up... that was something else that was always bothering me... the fact that I'd so willingly given up my home for a chance at Luke's life being spared. I remember that ever since hearing about him and learning about him and his role in the rebellion, I'd always wanted to meet him. When I'd finally met Luke... if I remember correctly, my initial thought was 'I thought Luke Skywalker would be OLDER than this!' It's also pretty funny, because I bowed like he was a god or something. I never expected that I'd be living with him when I left the Lost City...

Luke and I spent all of our time together- it used to make me feel proud if he said something like 'Good job' or something... Mostly because I pretty much worshiped the ground he walked on. After a while, it wasn't so much I felt good if Luke praised me, but I felt terrible if he ignored me, for even the slightest reason, because it made me feel as though I'd done something wrong. I wanted to do things right, just to have his approval. I felt like Luke had taken up some role, almost like a father except... not so much he was more important but... important in a different way...

Remember when you and I first met, Dad? Quite frankly, I wasn't even supposed to be there: It was supposed to have been my first day of school, while Luke and the others went on a mission to Duro. But, maybe because I'd been spending all my time with Luke, or maybe because I felt like he was abandoning me or something else stupid like that... I was really upset that I had to go to school. I figured I wanted to, at least, say goodbye and wish them a safe journey, but... I kinda got hijacked while I was looking for them on the Millennium Falcon...

Luke finally found me and I was practically crying with relief because I'd been really scared about being trapped in the cargo hold. I probably would've hugged him if Luke hadn't been mad at me and accused me of playing truant. For some reason... that really hurt. I hadn't cared about what Dee Jay thought about me... not so much that if he scolded me it hurt, but whenever Luke looked at me like he was disappointed or angry or something, I... didn't want him to look at me like that... And when he smiled or laughed or said something that made me feel good, I GLOWED... I guess that was what you'd say was when I started to have a crush on him.

I really just didn't understand the things I kept feeling. I guess that really why I left: I didn't like not knowing, but feeling like I couldn't ask Luke about it. I knew at least that I would feel stupid if I asked him and he couldn't or wouldn't answer me...

But now that you've said it... I don't know...

It hurts. It hurts to think that I fell in love and didn't tell Luke before I left. And I know it's love because... well... I wanted to... I wanted to stay with him, I wanted to keep him safe, I felt some kind of pang in my chest every time something happened to him, whether it was good or bad: when it was good, I was happy that he was happy and when it was bad, I hurt right along with him.

When I betrayed the Lost City, for some reason, I felt almost... amazed that Luke came after me. I mean, why should he: I'd been nothing but trouble ever since he took responsibility for me and then I'd just given the Dark Side the power it needed to destroy the Good Side of the Force and quite frankly, Luke and the Rebel Alliance was all there was left but yet... he still came for me.

And I felt ashamed. Because I'd just found out that my grandfather was Emperor Palpitine when all my life, I'd hoped I was related to Obi-Wan Kenobi... It made me feel, not only stupid, but dirty as well... And having to admit it to someone who I'd looked up to my entire life and who represented everything I thought I WASN'T...

I was relieved, beyond all belief, when Luke told me that it wasn't my fault who my grandfather was, and it didn't make me any less a person to be a part of the alliance... But at the same time... I felt like such a BABY... and Luke had to comfort me... it was humiliating... Sometimes I wonder if Luke wishes he'd never met me...

A/N: And now... the Epilogue, because this chapter was too damn short.

_Rain pattered on the roof and moonlight shone through the window. A single bed inhabited the three room apartment and the older of the two people in that bed stared at his son, the other, in wonderment._

_"I don't think Commander Skywalker is ashamed of meeting you, Ken." He said, softly. Triclops was the man's name. His hair was white and his three eyes all an emerald green. His voice was rough and hoarse, harsh when raised, yet somehow... a kind of comforting grating noise when he meant to be gentle._

_"How do you know?" Ken asked. He'd left living with Luke Skywalker when he was twelve years old, not even having spent a full year with the Jedi, but close to it. He'd been living with his father for two years, and he would turn fifteen in the next week or so. Somehow, he still had a thin, feminine figure, one that he'd worn since he was ten. Both Ken and his father chalked that up to not having proper nutrition when he'd hit puberty at age eleven. It was that which made Triclops fear his son's growth may have been permanently stunted._

_"I told you how I sometimes dreamed of the future, right? That's how I knew you would be told by Kadann that I was your father. However, now that you've told me what happened on that day, I realized something: In the dream I had, Commander Skywalker and the Alliance waited with an ambush at the surface of the moon, and captured the Imperials who had captured you. However, you said that Commander Skywalker came after you." Triclops said, watching as his son's eyes grew wide at this._

_"I think... I think that's a sign, if nothing else, that you were important enough to him for the Alliance to give up on capturing Kadann if he could save you. And I've been watching HIS dreams for some time, now. He's upset that you left... sad..." Ken's eyes filled with tears as his father reached over to tousle his hair._

_"Do... do you think I should go back? Because I really don't want to miss any more time away from my real family than I've already missed... but now that you say that... I don't want Luke to think that he's the reason why I left..." Ken turned to look at his father's face. Before Triclops could do more than smile, a clap of lightning and thunder resounded outside in the storm. Ken curled up even closer to his father._

_"I've never seen a thunderstorm before. It's spooky..." Ken mumbled, making Triclops smile, wistful of how much of a child his son still truly was..._

_"I know that ever since the Empire started administering shock therapy on me, I've been afraid of lightning. It's understandable to be scared of something you've never seen before..." He agreed, gently pushing his son's head back down on a pillow, "Go to sleep. You've got school tomorrow."_

_"'Kay... Night Dad, I love you." Ken mumbled, closing his eyes._

_Triclops nodded. He loved his son too, but he couldn't say it yet._

_Meanwhile, as the rain settled outside, Kendalina sat in watch. A sigh escaped her spirit lips._

_"Typical. The two people who I love more than anything else in the world are also the two biggest idiots I'll ever meet."_

Fin

A/N: Whoo! It's done! Waddya think?

And I'm sorry that the title of this fic was never really brought up...


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